jennifibber

So I've recently (as in within the last 30 seconds) reached the realization that my creative juices are flowing when I'm content with my relationship with God.

And... I'm not content lately.

I've been aware of this sort of slowed growth I'm sinking into, where I'm not striving to learn more and get closer to Him. I've been praying less, and caring less about common setbacks in my walk with Him. And it bothers me, and has bothered me this entire time. But my discomfort with it hasn't stopped it from getting worse.

I'm not walking away from Him. I'm not actively seeking to turn my back on Him. But it's like I'd been going at a steady pace, and now I've found myself slowed down considerably. What had been a comfortable forward progression has turned to a really laid back, unmotivated crawl.

I don't know when it started. I don't want it to be true. But it is. And... it really kind of hurts.

Like, why have I not been reaching for Him? When did I start replacing Him with other things? When did I stop depending on Him?

I wasn't raised this way. I don't want to be this way.

And having never been in a situation like this before, I don't really know where to start. I don't like the Bible studies at my own church; I don't feel fed, and I can't focus on them. I don't want to go to a different church, because... what if I want to go there instead? I have so much I need to do, so much I've been called to do at my own church. I wouldn't leave unless I felt called to do so, and even then, I'd have a horrible time leaving. Who would take care of the junior church? Who would have the patience to deal with the boys? Who would run the sound system?

I feel so torn regarding my church and my husband's church. And I'm not hearing Him. I don't know that I really ever have before, not in a loud, "here's what I want you to do" sort of way. It's always been little nudges and ideas and thoughts. And I'm not really feeling those, other than to keep striving, keep reaching. I know, instinctively, that I need to grow, feed myself. I want to.

I don't know if I'm battling depression. I don't know what's going on. I just feel so lost, like I've been hit upside the head and I'm trying to reorient myself. And I feel completely alone, even though I know I'm not, and I know I never have been. I feel really isolated and put aside, in many aspects of my life. But at the same time, I know that this isn't true. In my husband's eyes, I'm second only to God (as it should be). And I love watching him grow in his faith, I love hearing what he's learned and learning from him in return. I want, with all of my heart, for him to grow with God. But this image I'm getting in my head is of him moving ahead of me, instead of walking beside me, and I'm reaching out to his retreating back. I want to catch up! I don't want to be left behind. I don't want this to hurt my marriage. And I'm scared that's what will happen.

All because I've slowed down, made God less of a priority and myself more of one.

And I've noticed, as this has all been going on, that I'm not treating my husband with the love that he deserves. I'm getting short-tempered with him, having a hard time recognizing jokes for what they are. I'm not edifying him and supporting him as much as I should be. I'm complaining a lot more and listening a lot less.

Who is this person?

When did I become someone I can't even recognize?

When did I stop enjoying all of the little things?

And when did I start fearing everything?

I don't want this. I don't want to be this person.

I'm sorry if this is too deeply personal, but this is a journal, and it's rare that I physically put pen to paper anymore. And besides, if this is out there, then maybe I can push myself to grow again. There are more eyes on this struggle than just my own now.

God, I'm so sorry. Just bear with me for a little while. And Matt, this isn't forever. Just bear with me.

So today, I thought I'd buckle down and finally (after two years) work on Living a Lie in earnest.

One year later...

I'm alive, I promise!

*dodges bricks*

I'm just writing to apologize for making you all wait so long for things I've promised you'd have sooner. :c I love you all, and thank you for being patient while waiting for your commissions, chapter updates, and other things.

Suffice it to say, life has been very, very hectic ever since I moved out. =__=;

I'm using my phone as a wifi hotspot right now, and it's not working so well... So hopefully I'll update either here or on ff.net fairly soon, but I wouldn't hope for anything until after Christmas.

A thousand apologies, and thank you once again!

XO

______

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Check this out!

Lover: Shuuhei Hisagi
Best friend: Hiyori
First kiss: Kisuke Urahara
Has a crush on me: Aizen Sosuke (XD!)
I belong to: Sixth Division
Teammate: Ichigo Kurosaki

Most of those were pretty good. Still giggling about Aizen, though. Again? YES.

Lover: Gin Ichimaru
Best friend: Kenpachi Zaraki (XD)
First kiss: Shuuhei Hisagi
Has a crush on me: Kenpachi Zaraki (8C)
I belong to: Eleventh Division
Teammate: Kenpachi Zaraki (e_e)

Okay, so my best friend, who is also my teammate (not to mention my captain), has a crush on me... and he happens to be Kenpachi. щ(゜ロ゜щ) It's like a bad fan fiction, without the long, awfully written chapters.

AGAIN.

Lover: Mayuri Kurotsuchi (⊙︿⊙)
Best friend: Ukitake Jushiro
First kiss: Ulquiorra Cifer
Has a crush on me: Byakuya Kuchiki (PFFT.)
I belong to: Seventh Division
Teammate: Renji Abarai (♥)

Aside from Mayuri, that was a great one.

Try it out! Sure to generate a couple laughs. ;]